"I'm sure she's thinking that you'll be a wonderful mother." Using her apron, Emeline wiped away tears.
Surprisingly Clara did not recoil from the kindly gesture despite her usual aversion to close contact with other people. She was getting better about that issue, at least with a few select individuals such as Jacob and Emeline.
"You think so?" Clara sniffled.
Emeline continued, "And I'm sure you'll love being a mother, but you can't take this guilt into it, Clara. I can't say for certain, of course, but if you always think of the baby as a sin, it might interfere with your feelings."
"Oh no, I get what you mean. But I would never blame the baby, the fault...the sin is mine. And Jacob's too but I should not have allowed him ...I just wanted.....I ...." Clara stopped midsentence and spent a few seconds composing herself before continuing.
"Jacob and I both want this baby. We talked about it, we both agreed. I assure you."
"Oh, I do know what a powerful draw that passion is." Emeline's cheeks turned bright red at the confession. She had loved Andrew, and the physical connection had been strong, so much that they had almost given in to the temptation before they married. And with Barnabas, the draw was even stronger, and it was the knowledge that there wasn't much longer to wait...and maybe because they were more mature, it was easier.
"You're fortunate that Jacob will stand by you, many young men would betray you." She sighed. "I know this is a lot for you to have to face, but I'll help you in any way I can. And if you need to go talk to your father, I can handle things here for the day." The implication being that maybe that was just what she needed to do.
"Oh, I do know what a powerful draw that passion is." Emeline's cheeks turned bright red at the confession.
Clara was all ears.
"You're fortunate that Jacob will stand by you, many young men would betray you."
Clara nodded, "I believe that and if Jacob were like many young men, I would have never consented to let him....you know."
Emeline sighed. "I know this is a lot for you to have to face, but I'll help you in any way I can. And if you need to go talk to your father, I can handle things here for the day."
"Oh, I thank you so much. You are the kindest person I know," Clara reached out to touch one of the woman's hands, that was about as intimate a gesture as the girl allowed herself.
"But if customers start complaining, you should let me go. You do not want to harm your business over my mistake," she reminded the woman.
"We'll deal with that if it happens," Emeline declared. "When you start to show, we can just switch positions and you can work the kitchen, then no one needs to be any the wiser."
It wasn't really anyone's business, although Clara was right, there were plenty of self-righteous people who would raise a fuss at having a girl who had gotten pregnant out of wedlock working here. But maybe if that did become an issue, by then Emeline would be happy just selling the place and only selling pies.
"You'll need to start saving, too. Children take a lot of money, and in a few months you may not be able to work as much." Then something occurred to her. "Has anyone ever told you what to expect? With the pregnancy, I mean."
She rather doubted that Aurelian had imparted any wisdom in that area, and really, a man couldn't explain it nearly was well as a woman who had given birth!
"We'll deal with that if it happens," Emeline declared. "When you start to show, we can just switch positions and you can work the kitchen, then no one needs to be any the wiser."
That might work, Clara had not thought of that idea. Emeline moved on then to other very important stuff.
"You'll need to start saving, too. Children take a lot of money, and in a few months you may not be able to work as much."
"Oh yes! Excellent point. I have been giving all my wages and tips to my father for the farm," Clara had yet another worry to consider now. It was all piling up!
Emeline added, "Has anyone ever told you what to expect? With the pregnancy, I mean."
"Why no, not really. I mean I do recall somewhat when Mother had Wyatt but just bits of it. I know when the time came a local woman came over to help her have it and the woman would let me or my father into the room. In fact I seem to remember Father and I on the front porch. He walked back and forth while I sat there," Clara answered, "I was going on five then."
"You'll have plenty of help when the time comes, so long as you stay in the area, no worry about that." Of course, she didn't know that 'Granny' Miggins might be involved, and more help than a body could ever want! "It's the other things...the morning sickness, mood swings, swollen ankles..." Emeline chuckled. "There is a lot before the delivery, but we can sit and talk that over later."
It made sense that these things hadn't been discussed, her own mother hadn't even talked to her about it until she was pregnant with her first child.
"But first things first. Do you feel that you can talk to your father? Or would you rather work the day and plan things out a little?" In a way, it seemed that the quicker she got it done, the better, it would be so easy to procrastinate forever! But that was up to Clara.
Clara was dubious she would have plenty of help when that time came but she was certain of one thing, she could trust Emeline. She trusted the woman like she had relied upon her own mother. And Emeline had experience, she knew things about this whole process that Clara had no idea about it. So it made sense to listen and learn from her.
"It's the other things...the morning sickness, mood swings, swollen ankles..." Emeline chuckled. "There is a lot before the delivery, but we can sit and talk that over later."
Oh gosh! Clara was not looking forward to all that but yes, it might help to discuss in more detail later.
"Yes, hopefully I will not have all of those symptoms too early into my pregnancy. I have got time I guess," she nodded.
"But first things first. Do you feel that you can talk to your father? Or would you rather work the day and plan things out a little?"
"Well, if we elope, I guess I will not be talking with him until after we have already tied the knot," Clara reasoned, "But, of course, at some time I need to tell him everything. We have always been very close and my father is a good man. I do not think he will reject me and certainly he would never do anything to physically harm me."
"He may be disappointed, but once he looks into his grandchild's eyes, he'll turn to mush!" While Emeline didn't know Aurelian well, she did know that he was a good and fair man, and yes, he'd be upset at what had happened, but if Clara and Jacob worked out, he'd be proud.
She laughed. "He may resent being a grandfather, I know that Papa did! He blamed me for making him old, I just wish...he could have actually seen her." Her smile was bittersweet. "I know he would have doted on her..."
Taking a breath, she looked at Clara. "Savor every instant, every pain and pleasure...and watch Jacob's face the first time you hand him that baby."
Clara nodded, Emeline probably was right on the money with the statement about how her father would melt at the sight of the baby. No matter how angry he might get, Clara was totally positive he would never transfer that anger to an innocent baby.
"I think that quite possible," she said softly.
Emeline added something else, "He may resent being a grandfather, I know that Papa did! He blamed me for making him old, I just wish...he could have actually seen her." Her smile was bittersweet. "I know he would have doted on her..."
Clara couldn't help but feel badly once more for the woman, she had lost her baby and that had obviously caused her so much pain, she still had not gotten over it, probably never would. Clara prayed that her baby would be healthy. That God would not take it out on the infant for the sins of the mother and father. They always say 'God is just', 'all kind'. But yet so many bad things happen to babies, their lives seem so fragile.
Taking a breath, Emeline looked at her. "Savor every instant, every pain and pleasure...and watch Jacob's face the first time you hand him that baby."
"Not sure how well I will do on savoring the pain parts but yes, I understand your point. And I just know Jacob is going to be a devoted father, he is already so excited about it rather than fearful," Clara could just picture that moment. Hopefully it would all come true.
"I think you're both going to be just fine," Emeline observed. "Yes, you are young, and there is a lot to learn along the way, but that's half the fun, and you'll have plenty of people to give you advice, even your father."
After all, Aurellian had had to deal with the children while tending a farm, and he'd managed to do a fine job, so there was no need to count him out as a source of help.
"I'm excited for you, Clara, and I have no doubt this will all work out, even though the situation isn't ideal."