"Everybody can feather their nest, but it's not just anybody that can lay an egg!"
Bam , Bam, Bam!!!
Arabella banged on the door of the Kalispell Union offices, even though it was far too early for them to be open, yesterday's newspaper scrunched up in her hands.
"Open up! Open up you bunch of peckerwoods!!!" she yelled. She was not a happy bunny.
"No thanks to miss Arabella Mudd, huh, you termites?! You jest get out here and say that to my face and I'll gaum up yer print works and switch yer backsides, yer darn pollywoggles!!!" she shouted at the locked door.
"I've been jawin' with my barrister and he says I’m-a gonna sue you tater bugs fer a million dollars for de-fa-mation of character, yuh, yuh, ... yuh gosh-darn falsified tumbleweeds!!"
"Every town needs a newspaper."
Phinias G. McVay, editor and Chief of the often maligned Kalispell Union had been napping in his chair, feet up on his desk, when he heard the commotion at the front door. A barage of insults, name calling, and legal threats. All of which he had heard before. He recognized the voice immediately as that of one Miss Arabella Mudd. He sighed heavily as his feet dropped to the plank floor.
One thing he was sure of, if he did not go to the door, open it, and fall victim to more verbal abuse, she would continue for God only knew how long, or perhaps it was Satan that had that information. He got to his feet and started for the door when he heard "I'll gaum up yer print works" which translated to an attack on his printing press! There would be no opening of the door for her.
One he reached the portal he stopped and listened. When there was an opening, he took it."We are closed Miss Mudd! It is past business hours. Should you persist in this display of juvenile behavior and outlandish threats I'll be forced to go to the Town Marshal with a complaint." He shouted. "You can submit your complaint in writing and slip it under the door for my perusal."
"Everybody can feather their nest, but it's not just anybody that can lay an egg!"
One he reached the portal he stopped and listened. When there was an opening, he took it."We are closed Miss Mudd! It is past business hours. Should you persist in this display of juvenile behavior and outlandish threats I'll be forced to go to the Town Marshal with a complaint." He shouted. "You can submit your complaint in writing and slip it under the door for my perusal."
Oh, so that was how he was gonna play it, huh?!
"You goin' to the Marshall?! YOU gon' to the Marshall?! I'm a goin' to the Marshall!!" shouted the slight and slighted girl.
"You can submit your complaint in writing and slip it under the door for my perusal."
"I'll slip something under your door you.. you bad mouther, you!" she yelled: but this wasn't getting her in. Still, a few people had stopped to stare, she could try another tack.
Suddenly she pounded on the door again and then dramatically broke down in tears, sliding down the door into a heap.
"Ohhhh! Ohhh! Mr. McVie, you done a poor innocent orphan girl wrong! You done me a great wrong Mr. McVie, an' me just fifteen! You ruined my reputation and left me to carry the burden!!" she cried. "I'm ruined! Ruined!" through this wail and moan she rather stuck out her tummy as she rubbed it. Well, this was war, no trick was too underhand.
"Every town needs a newspaper."
Phin stood back, a smile forming on his face, a real thespian this Arabella Mudd, thinking anyone would believe that , well, there was the chance, yes, there were those who just might want to believe such a thing of him, but then, there were many more who knew Arabella, knew of her flights of fantasy, and vivid imagination. Knew of her conniving to intrude, to magnify her importance, or her talent, or her abilities, and granted, she had both.
However, Arabella Mudd was a child still, tho old enough to marry, or to be preparing for the University. But, to be playing that he, Phinias McVay, a man almost three times her age, would have any interest in the daydreamer. This was beyond preposterous!
"Then I suggest you go to the Marshall, and we shall then go to Doctor Danforth, should that become necessary. I shall wait here for his knock. If this is about a simple retraction, perhaps." He concluded.
"Everybody can feather their nest, but it's not just anybody that can lay an egg!"
"Then I suggest you go to the Marshall, and we shall then go to Doctor Danforth, should that become necessary. I shall wait here for his knock. If this is about a simple retraction, perhaps." He concluded.
“Yeah! I wanna simple retraction!!” Arabella yelled through the gap at the bottom of the door, seeing as she was slumped down there anyway “And then I want you to print that what you said weren’t right, and that you’re plumb sorry ‘bout what you said about me and…urrr…. and print summit nice about me, like how I saved the day by rememberin’ about ‘Something Old Something New Something Borrowed Something Blue’ at the very last minute!”.
To be fair, that had saved the Lutz-Redmond union from instant dissolution.
But then she got greedy.
“And … And Mr McVie, I.... you still there?” she peeped under the door and could just make out some very scuffed and disreputable looking shoes, (in a scandalous state of repair, really). “And listen, I know you weren’t there at that there wedding twixt Jacob and Clara so some horrible person musta TOLD you it was ‘no thanks to Miss Arabella Mudd’ – I wanna know who that mitherin’ nuisance WAS!”
Arabella had no idea about the sanctity with which pressmen held the anonymity of their sources. The question was, did McVie?
“Unless nobody told you that and you just made it up yourself, like everybody says you do when you write them newspaper stories!” she finished.
"Every town needs a newspaper."
And how is it that you 'know' I was not at the wedding? How is it that you have such information, was it that you did not 'see' me there, or perhaps that I was not at the reception, so you 'assumed' I was not at the nuptials as well? Are you quite positive that your facts are correct?"
"And just how is it you believe you warrant a retraction, Miss Mudd? Is there some statement that is incorrect? A quote attributed to you that you did not make? An outright lie, perhaps. Please, oh wait, let me get a copy and you might point that out to me."
"Everybody can feather their nest, but it's not just anybody that can lay an egg!"
"And how is it that you 'know' I was not at the wedding? How is it that you have such information, was it that you did not 'see' me there, or perhaps that I was not at the reception, so you 'assumed' I was not at the nuptials as well?"
Arabella frowned at this and after considering the subtle question for one second gave the answer.
"Yep!"
"Are you quite positive that your facts are correct?"
Again, she gave her best 'thinking' frown, even though he couldn't enjoy the benefit of seeing it.
"Yep!"
"And just how is it you believe you warrant a retraction, Miss Mudd? Is there some statement that is incorrect? A quote attributed to you that you did not make? An outright lie, perhaps. Please, oh wait, let me get a copy and you might point that out to me."
All these words were getting her a bit confused now, as they were intended to do.
"You said I was ..." she looked at the newspaper again blinking "You said it was no thanks..." His fast talking was making her dizzy. She began to tear up for real now, and getting too emotional to argue coherently. "I'll ... I'll be back!!" she shouted defiantly, but basically, he had won this round with his fast talking. She drifted away from the newspaper offices sniffing away the tears and gripping the copy of the offending newspaper.
But sometimes you had to lose a battle to win the war.
"Every town needs a newspaper."
"As you will young lady, as you will." Phin replied, waiting to hear her footfalls, which he could hear fading away from the office door. He turned and walked back to his desk, and his chair, sitting down, then leaning back as he pondered.
'A simple retraction.' He thought. "The youngster wanted a simple retraction for the line, 'No thanks to Arabella Mudd.' He rubbed his chin thoughtfully as he considered her demand. It would certainly be easy enough to slip in the next issue, yet he had to consider what would be printed in said retraction. And then, there was the accusation that he, Phinias G. McVay, simply made up stories. What were the words used? Oh yes, “Unless nobody told you that and you just made it up yourself, like everybody says you do when you write them newspaper stories!”
He quickly jotted down her words. 'A simple retraction was it? Not being sure just who this solicitor she had retained was, that would bear some investigation.