"THERE'S SOMEBODY AT THE DOOR!!!"
Posted April 24, 2021 / Jemima Wigfall
"All right, I dare you!" Then he quickly added, "Then it's my turn!"
Jemima's dark eyes burned with excitement.
"I'm scared to, but you dare'd me, so I gotta!" she said with a tremor of excitement in her usually flat voice. "But if that nasty little spider, he bites me, then you know what you gotta do? You gotta suck the poison out o' where-ever it bites me and spit it on the floor!" she warned him.
"And if some day you ever get bit by a poisonous spider or a snake on the backside and someone's gotta suck out the poison for yuh ... well Porter, that's the day you'll find out who your true friends are." This was supposed to be a joke, but the girl's slow and po-faced delivery made it sound like some kind of dire warning.
She put her finger to her lips and, glancing at the doorway to make sure they weren't being observed, opened the lid of the tank and rolled up her sleeve, and lowered her hand slowly, slowly into the tank, nearer and nearer the spider beneath his piece of bark, glancing worriedly at Weedy, then back at the arachnid, slowly, slowly...
"ARRGGHHH!!!" Jemima screamed, yanked the hand from the tank and fell onto the floor, holding the middle finger of her right hand with those of the left and squeezing the tip so it went bright red. "Quick, quick, suck the poison out before I die!!" she pleaded, holding up the offending article as she lay prostrate on the greenhouse floor.
Sit down, shut up, don't touch anythin'
Posted April 25, 2021 / Adelaide Chappel
“Well, at least after all that, I shall no longer be a Greenhorn!” Addy’s host laughed “I might not be quite alive, but I shall certainly not be a Greenhorn!”
"Put yer fate in my hands," Addy declared, showing her calloused but smooth hands, "an' ya can rest assured, won't no one accuse ya of bein' a greenhorn no more!" They'd have plenty of time, and so long as he wasn't averse to getting dirty...there was so much she could teach him, and he did seem curious and willing to learn. She would, however, draw the line at eating grubs!
There was suddenly a scream, but not a very convincing one, and then a laugh from the Greenhouse next door.
“Ah, I wonder how Master Porter and Jemima are getting on with Montgomery!”
Addy raised an eyebrow, not sure what was going on, and not sure how worried she had to be. "What'd that boy do now?" Of course, whatever was going on had to be Weedy's doing, since Jemima was a responsible adult!
~*~ ~*~ ~*~
"But if that nasty little spider, he bites me, then you know what you gotta do? You gotta suck the poison out o' where-ever it bites me and spit it on the floor!" she warned him.
"Really?" Weedy's eyes widened as he looked at the woman. "But...it's not polite to spit in the house!" Addy had taught him that!
"And if some day you ever get bit by a poisonous spider or a snake on the backside and someone's gotta suck out the poison for yuh ... well Porter, that's the day you'll find out who your true friends are."
He reckoned that was true, and determined that from now on he'd be mindful of where he sat!
As Jemima reached into the tank, Weedy was there again, his nose pressed to the glass. "Be careful," he chided, watching for any aggressive move by the spider, but then he suddenly jumped back at her scream!
"ARRGGHHH!!!" Jemima screamed, yanked the hand from the tank and fell onto the floor, holding the middle finger of her right hand with those of the left and squeezing the tip so it went bright red. "Quick, quick, suck the poison out before I die!!" she pleaded, holding up the offending article as she lay prostrate on the greenhouse floor.
Well, this was his fault for taking her dare to dare her, and at least the bite wasn't on her backside, and besides, Weedy wasn't sure how he'd explain her dead body in the room. First, he glanced quickly at the door...maybe he could just slip out and claim ignorance? 'She was playing with the spider and I got scared and left' But he'd have to go through the rest of the house and likely be seen...
Dropping down to his knees beside the woman, he grabbed her finger. "I'll fix it!" he shouted valiantly, now that he knew this was his only option, "just be all right!" Then he started to suck!
"THERE'S SOMEBODY AT THE DOOR!!!"
Posted April 25, 2021 / Jemima Wigfall
Dropping down to his knees beside the woman, he grabbed her finger. "I'll fix it!" he shouted valiantly, now that he knew this was his only option, "just be all right!" Then he started to suck!
“Suck harder, I’m dying!” Jemima groaned, rolling her eyes up and making her tongue loll grotesquely. “I think it’s working… oh, I hope I don’t lose that finger…” she said, suddenly becoming more cogent “… that’s the one I pick my nose with!” she added, a mischievous smile illuminating her normally dull features.
Weedy’s reaction was as might be expected and the girl rocked with mirth. “He he he, gotcha!” she chuckled deeply, as she scrabbled back to her feet.
“You should play that trick on someone” she informed poor Weedy as she tapped the glass tank. “Look, he was dead all the time. The Professor killed him with a special deadly gas. That’s what he likes to do, try out different ways of killing pests.” She informed the boy, her eyes lingering on the spider who was lying on his back now with his stiff legs in the air where she’d flicked him.
“Montgomery’s a pest, too, but the Professor's too kind and didn’t have the heart to kill him, so he keeps him as a pet.” The pocket gopher had run away during Jemima’s macabre histrionics but now came back and ran up Weedy’s leg.
At that point Falmer Browne and Miss Addy arrived through the greenhouse door and suddenly Jemima was the obedient and biddable house maid again.
“Jemima! Go and help Mrs O’Houlighan now, please!” the man ordered the girl and she bobbed an obedient and po-faced curtsey, but before she scuttled out of the strange plant filled hot-house she caught Weedy’s eye and gave him a conspiratorial smile.
Posted April 26, 2021 / Adelaide Chappel
“Suck harder, I’m dying!”
She didn't sound like she was dying, and honestly, the expression on her face wasn't so much different as to convince Weedy that she was in any more dire straits than before! Still, he tried again.
“I think it’s working… oh, I hope I don’t lose that finger…” she said, suddenly becoming more cogent “… that’s the one I pick my nose with!”
The made Weedy stop in surprise and sit back, looking at the woman intently, and not so much as the grossness of the idea, but wondering that the stubby appendage could actually serve the purpose she was claiming. Sure, her nostrils were cavernous, but her fingers were like little potatoes, and he marveled that any one of them could fit in her nose!
"It's not polite to pick your nose anyway!" he declared.
“He he he, gotcha!” she chuckled deeply, as she scrabbled back to her feet.
Looking up at her, Weedy frowned. She was funning him?
“You should play that trick on someone” she informed poor Weedy as she tapped the glass tank. “Look, he was dead all the time. The Professor killed him with a special deadly gas. That’s what he likes to do, try out different ways of killing pests.”
"Dead?" Momentarily distracted from the fact that she'd fooled him. "Why'd anyone want to kill him?" It seemed like a waste, unless Professor Browne was mad at it because it had crawled on him?
“Montgomery’s a pest, too, but the Professor's too kind and didn’t have the heart to kill him, so he keeps him as a pet.” The pocket gopher had run away during Jemima’s macabre histrionics but now came back and ran up Weedy’s leg.
Scooping the little critter into his hands, Weedy held it protectively. "He's not poisonous," he pointed out, an obvious reason not to kill it....well, besides the fact that it was so cute!
He looked over as the adults arrived.
“Jemima! Go and help Mrs O’Houlighan now, please!” the man ordered the girl and she bobbed an obedient and po-faced curtsey, but before she scuttled out of the strange plant filled hot-house she caught Weedy’s eye and gave him a conspiratorial smile.
At this, Weedy quickly stuck his tongue out at the woman. She had started a feud, and Weedy was going to play his part. He didn't know exactly how or when, but they were neighbors, so there was plenty of opportunity!
"What was all th' caterwaulin' about?" Addy asked, watching the woman scamper away.
"Oh, Miz Jemima almost got bit by this spider!" Without hesitation, Weedy ran over to the tank, stuffing the pocket gopher into his shirt, then sticking his hand into the tank to 'pet' the spider. "She says it's the most poisonous spider in the World, one little bite and you just turn to dust and blow away! Ain't that right, Professor Browne!"
Posted April 27, 2021 / F. Falmer Browne
"It's not polite to pick your nose anyway!" he declared.
“He he he, gotcha!” she chuckled deeply, as she scrabbled back to her feet.
“Everybody does it! Even Elias Steelgrave!” she grinned.
Looking up at her, Weedy frowned. She was funning him?
“Yep, she was funnin’ him.
“You should play that trick on someone” she informed poor Weedy as she tapped the glass tank. “Look, he was dead all the time. The Professor killed him with a special deadly gas. That’s what he likes to do, try out different ways of killing pests.”
"Dead?" Momentarily distracted from the fact that she'd fooled him. "Why'd anyone want to kill him?" It seemed like a waste, unless Professor Browne was mad at it because it had crawled on him?
“Cause they hurt folks. They ain’t as bad as black widders, but there’s more of ‘em and they hide in places folks stick their hands, so the Professor invented a gas that kills them but doesn’t harm folks.”
“Montgomery’s a pest, too, but the Professor's too kind and didn’t have the heart to kill him, so he keeps him as a pet.” The pocket gopher had run away during Jemima’s macabre histrionics but now came back and ran up Weedy’s leg.
Scooping the little critter into his hands, Weedy held it protectively. "He's not poisonous," he pointed out, an obvious reason not to kill it....well, besides the fact that it was so cute!
“Yeah, but him and all his little gopher friends burrow under crops and ruins ‘em” Jemima explained, she had imbibed well as the Professor’s shoulder, watching on intently as he sent various nuisance critters off to nuisance critter heaven.
He looked over as the adults arrived.
“Jemima! Go and help Mrs O’Houlighan now, please!” the man ordered the girl and she bobbed an obedient and po-faced curtsey, but before she scuttled out of the strange plant filled hot-house she caught Weedy’s eye and gave him a conspiratorial smile.
At this, Weedy quickly stuck his tongue out at the woman. She had started a feud, and Weedy was going to play his part. He didn't know exactly how or when, but they were neighbors, so there was plenty of opportunity!
Jemima went off, happily for her. She was going to enjoy a prank war with young Master Porter James. She thought.
"What was all th' caterwaulin' about?" Addy asked, watching the woman scamper away.
"Oh, Miz Jemima almost got bit by this spider!" Without hesitation, Weedy ran over to the tank, stuffing the pocket gopher into his shirt, then sticking his hand into the tank to 'pet' the spider. "She says it's the most poisonous spider in the World, one little bite and you just turn to dust and blow away! Ain't that right, Professor Browne!"
“Yes, well, something like that!” the man frowned as he replaced the lid to stop Weedy playing with the thing, there was a tiny chance that some of its venom might still be viable and transfer to a meddling hand. He would have to have a stern word with Jemima later. Ironically, the last time he had be forced to do that was just before the very same fiddleback had escaped and found itself lost, confused and very bite-y, on the back of his neck.
“I see you and Montgomery have become firm friends!” he said, smiling at Weedy now.
Posted April 28, 2021 / Adelaide Chappel
"Yes, sir!" Weedy grinned widely, stroking the little head that was poking out of his shirt. "He's real smart, and soft, too!"
"Well, I bet ol' Buster'd make a snack outta him," Addy declared, "he ain't much bigger than one'a th' barn mice, an' Buster wouldn't know th' difference." She wanted Weedy to be sure that there was no point in asking for the critter as a pet. "It's nice'n safe fer him here."
Weedy's nose wrinkled up, but he reluctantly held the critter to F.F. "Can I visit him?" he asked. "You're not going to use the gas on him, are you?" Despite what Addy had said, he'd find a way to hide the critter away if its future was to join the spider.
Posted April 29, 2021 / F. Falmer Browne
"Well, I bet ol' Buster'd make a snack outta him," Addy declared, "he ain't much bigger than one'a th' barn mice, an' Buster wouldn't know th' difference." She wanted Weedy to be sure that there was no point in asking for the critter as a pet. "It's nice'n safe fer him here."
Falmer Browne nodded. “Indeed, if this Buster is, as I suspect, a pussy cat, then poor Montgomery would not last too long in his company. With his trusting nature, he might as well have ‘eat me’ written upon him, like the cake in Alice in Wonderland.”
Weedy's nose wrinkled up, but he reluctantly held the critter to F.F. "Can I visit him?" he asked. "You're not going to use the gas on him, are you?" Despite what Addy had said, he'd find a way to hide the critter away if its future was to join the spider.
The scientist looked a little ashamed, that indeed had been his furry friend’s original fate.
“Please be assured that Montgomery is quite safe from my experiments, Master Porter. And you may visit with him whenever you please, though I would encourage you to do so at times when Jemima is in attendance; I’m afraid that Mrs O’Houlighan is quite afraid of the little chap, ever since he ran up her, ahem, ... skirts. She says that he is a little too frisky for her tastes!”
Sit down, shut up, don't touch anythin'
Posted April 29, 2021 / Adelaide Chappel
Addy chuckled at the thought of the little critter trying to hide somewhere quite intimate. "Must'a thought he was a chigger! Ya just make sure ya remember ta knock when ya come over here," she chided Weedy, "an' don't wear out yer welcome, neither."
Knowing the boy, he'd be running over here all the time, and while she thought that there was plenty for him to learn here, Addy didn't want the new neighbors to get tired of him.
Then she glanced at Browne. "Yer right, Buster's my scraggly ol' tom cat...got one eye, but he's a great mouser. I reckon he's like as not ta go between th' house here an' th' freight barn where we was livin' before. He's right friendly an' likes pumpkin an' chickpeas." A strange cat indeed!
Posted April 30, 2021 / F. Falmer Browne
Then she glanced at Browne. "Yer right, Buster's my scraggly ol' tom cat...got one eye, but he's a great mouser. I reckon he's like as not ta go between th' house here an' th' freight barn where we was livin' before. He's right friendly an' likes pumpkin an' chickpeas." A strange cat indeed!
Falmer Browne was interested in this tale of feline ferocity, not just for the jocund elements of the story but because of the pusscat’s pulse-eating peculiarities.
“Ah, he hunts well still despite the lack of binocular vision, eh?” he ruminated sagely, putting a thoughtful fist to his chin. “And yet is also fond of these unusual side orders. Hmmm.”
Falmer Brown was a vegetarian himself, but had no illusions that the omnivorous bulk of mankind could ever be converted to the rightful way of eating unless something as tasty as a big juicy steak could be conjured up out of plant matter. Yes, something as tasty as a big beefsteak, tenderloin, just lightly braised on the outside but still bloody in the middle, smothered in onions and mushrooms, perhaps a peppercorn sauce covering it as he sliced into it with a razor sharp steak knife, before sticking in his fork and raising it to his mouth… NO! NO! He must not think of that. He must remember the cause!
He tried to distract himself from the thought of delicious flesh by looking at Addy, oh no! She was just another variety of delicious fleshy delight. He must think of something boring, calming. Ah yes. Supper tonight was steamed carrot and mashed turnip. The blood immediately stopped rushing in his ears.
“I should like to meet Buster.” He said calmly, after this internal mini-drama. “On his own turf, of course!”
Sit down, shut up, don't touch anythin'
Posted April 30, 2021 / Adelaide Chappel
"A'course, I'm sure he'd be happy ta meet you, too," Addy declared, "I don't doubt as he'll make himself ta home, so it'd be best not ta let him in...he'll flop on yer settee an' never raise another paw nor pursue another critter again!"
She laughed and shook her head. "'Course, given th' opportunity, I reckon I'd do th' same....well, not th' critter chasin' part...don't do that now, an' don't plan on takin' it up any time soon! At any rate, I'm sure he'll come moonin' around once he comes ta know th' house is his new home."
As a tom cat, most of Buster's 'territory' was the whole town, but he always came back to the barn, and now he'd have to learn that the house was home base now. But cats were smart, and as long as Addy left nightly treats for him, that wouldn't take long.
"We can see if he's there now!" Running to the back door, she stepped onto the porch. "BUUUSSSSSTTTEERRRR! HERE KITTY!"
And a moment later, the subject of conversation arrived over the fence, tail held high.