Yes, the woman was no doubt right, Clara realized her mother would have had it no other way, choosing it to be herself who was sacrificed not her child. But the thing was Clara still felt embittered SHE had not been given a choice that time. If only it had been her who died, then the family would be better off - Wyatt would have two parents as it should be. Her father would not be so lonely. Not that he ever complained, but Clara felt she knew.
Clara had listened to the instruction Emeline gave though and began measuring out the flour needed even as she continued to talk. She didn't talk about that day much at all but once the words came, they poured out it seemed. Whether the woman, for all intents and purposes a stranger really, wanted to know or not, she was going to hear it.
"It was my fault my mother died. I mean not intentionally my fault, but if it had not been for me and my clumsiness, perhaps she would have not died. We were by the stream, rinsing out some clothing when the Indians came. We first saw the Indian when he rode straight up toward us. He was yelling like the savage he was. His body was painted, his face black and red. Mother said to run and we both started for the farm. Father was there with Wyatt but he had a rifle and he knew how to use it from the war. We did not get far when I tripped and fell. I screamed for her. Then I saw the Indian, he had a bow and he fired it at me. He hit me too. Mother came back for me, she should have kept running, she might have kept running if I had not cried out for her. She reached me but I could not get up, it hurt too much. The Indian had another arrow ready to fire. Mother stepped right in the way to shield me and he shot her then. That was the last I remember."
"When I awoke I was in a bed, a doctor was there with my father and Wyatt. Father told me that I needed to remain very still and take it easy. The doctor had removed the arrow but it was very serious. He promised he would stay with me. I asked about her but he did not answer right away. When he did he told me she was gone."
Finally she had run out of breath, out of words. But the memory was still as fresh as if it had just happened yesterday, Clara doubted it would ever really go away. Her eyes were watering but she did not cry. She never cried.
Emeline listened silently as the story poured out, her heart breaking for the girl. Loss was never easy, of course, but for one so young, and the circumstances so tragic...there was no doubt why she blamed herself.
"We'll need three tablespoons salt and 4 of sugar mixed in the dry," she instructed as she pulled down the tin of lard. "A mother knows," her words were soft, "when their babies are in trouble, they know, and even if she had made it to safety she would have gone back for you." Of course, she couldn't know for certain, but unless the woman was cold-hearted and self-serving, she would have done what she had to, and, of course, the woman's actions had shown her character.
"It's good that it wasn't you and your brother alone out there." She was trying to think of a way to help Clara look at things from a different perspective. "He seems so carefree, as a boy should be," she smiled, but then let out a breath as she added the lard to the dry ingredients. "How do you think things might have gone if he was the one who had fallen?"
The very specific directions snapped Clara out of it. The girl was very particular, detail oriented, and she always wanted to do whatever she was doing just so. It was exactly the sort of thing to break her dwelling on the sad past.
"Oh, yes, sugar...salt," her eyes went to the assorted cans facing her, all well labeled thus making the completion of this little task a simple one, she got started immediately even as she listened to Emeline. The woman was right about mothers of course, well at least Clara's mother. She also brought up Wyatt.
"Yes, carefree does well describe him. Perhaps too carefree. I always have to prod him to finish his chores - well, the ones he does not like - and now that he is going to school again, do his schoolwork. Wyatt does not like school much," Clara sighed as she carefully measured out the amounts requested.
"He much prefers to spend time with Father as opposed to me because of it," she admitted, someone had to be the stern one though she would never admit it to strangers, her Father was too easy going, laid back, in her humble opinion.
Clara paused to look a bit perplexed at the woman on her last point though.
"Well.... I am unsure of course. Since it is a hypothetical. My folks would have been heartbroken. And there would be no one to pass on the family name then."
The girl hadn't quite caught on to what Emeline was trying to express, but she wasn't going to pursue it. She did, however, chuckle. "Isn't it odd, that somehow the family line would die out with your brother, but it doesn't matter of you have children who carry on?" Granted, the name might be lost, but the line would continue. "But it is sad, that Andrew's part of his line..." She shrugged. "My husband was an only son, and we lost our children, so..."
Letting out a breath, she shook her head. "I do wish he could have lived on through a child, but it wasn't meant to be, I suppose." Glancing at Clara, she handed her a dough blender so she could start mixing the dry and wet ingredients. "Nothing to be done for it, but then it's hard not to imagine...what might have been." She supposed, though, that even a young girl such as Clara had her ideas of what it would be like to have her mother being the one she was cooking with, or to stand by her at her wedding, help her through childbirth, then with raising her children.
Oh here she had been going on about her tragedy and her sadness, not even realizing til Emeline related her own tale of loss. Why it was even worse! To lose one's husband and children? She did say 'children', so more than one! Clara was wide eyed at the revelation.
"Oh gosh, I am so sorry. I wondered if you had a husband about, I mean as beautiful a woman such as yourself, why would you not? But I had no idea. A husband and children.....that is tragedy multiplied," Clara sighed.
She would have given the woman a sympathetic hug but then Clara did not do that kind of thing. She had never been that way even with her parents. By now both her father and Wyatt knew better than to even attempt it. Instead she accepted the dough blender from the woman.
She could not help herself though, "Was it Indians?"
If it was this would be further proof why she hated Indians with a passion.
"No, no, it wasn't Indians." Emeline shook her head, taking a breath. "It was cholera that took little Chloe. She was barely a year, with a bright smile just like her papa, and so many brown curls."
Silent for a moment, she got out a wooden board and rolling pin, then added, "I was pregnant at the time, and the stress was too much, I suppose. And Andrew was killed in an accident two years later. I've been on my own since then." She did finally smile and chuckle a little. "I have had offers from gentlemen, but I have to wonder how much that has to do with the scarcity of women in these parts. I haven't really felt compelled, though, except for the gentleman who was here when you and your brother came in...we're going for a ride on Sunday." Hastily, she added, "And it's just that, a ride and picnic, a chance for me to get away from here for a while."
Disease. It happened all too often and too many times the victims were children. Clara frowned. A little girl, with a nice name too she thought.
"That is so sad, I'm sorry," Clara truly felt for the woman.
But then she apparently lost another child in the womb too. The girl spoke up then, "I had a little sister, Katherine, who was still born. We never got to know her but my mother still cried for days."
And then of course her husband, dead in an accident. And that left her all alone. Clara knew at least she had her father and brother still. She should not complain, especially to this woman. But Emeline did smile just a bit as she revealed she was going out with that man who had been talking with her when she and her brother had the free pie. Interesting, Clara thought the man looked mean. But obviously he did not come across that way to this woman - or maybe she is desperate? None of her business though. And she deserves some happiness in her life.
"Ah yes, I recall him. Well, good for you. I wish you a grand time," she said in all sincerity.
"I'm looking froward to just getting out for nothing more than getting out." Emeline chuckled as she split the mixed dough in half and gave part to Clara, then started kneading her part. "Honestly, since...I've been alone I've been so tied up in work. Of course, at first I had to, just to get by, then, I suppose to take my mind off of," she let out a breath, "off of the past. But maybe it's time to get away some, do something that isn't cooking or cleaning or gardening...I can afford a day a week, and if it isn't right, I can always go back."
Shaking her head, she looked at the girl. "Sorry, I'm using you to talk myself into having some fun." She laughed. "I suppose that gives you the right to be the first to chastise me when I find out I was wrong! What about you? Do you take time for...other things?" Unless this counted toward that?
Emeline seemed to feel the need to explain herself, why she had agreed to go out with this man. But she did not. Clara would certainly not begrudge her some happiness. Her life sounded sad and running a place like this all by herself - well that had be a lot of long hours and hard work.
"No, you should go do this. I definitely approve," she declared, all the while during this conversation she continued with her part of the baking preparation. It wasn't like she did not know how to do any of this. She had been baking since a child when she helped her mother then.
"You have no reason to apologize. I am enjoying our conversation. At home it is only men....very well, a man and a boy. It is nice to chat with a woman on occasion," she declared.
"I would never chastise you. I might only point out that you will be out of town with this..... gentleman alone. So I hope you are truly confident he is of an upright character," she couldn't help but fret for Emeline at least a little.
"What about you? Do you take time for...other things?" the woman now asked.
Sadly she did not.
"No, I am very busy every day but Sunday, which of course is the Lord's Day so ...." Clara did not finish that thought but she was confident Emeline got her point.
"I have to cook and do laundry, help with the fields, see to my brother, and sundry other chores. Father works hard, do not get me wrong. But in all honesty if he had to do the cooking, we might all perish from starvation or poisoning," she joked, sort of.
"Then I also have a job at the Lost Lake ranch working as a governess for Shade Thorton's twin niece and nephew," she added before sighing.
"No boy is interested in the likes of me, I know I am rather lacking in ....looks," she did not want to say 'ugly' but there were many times she felt it was true.
"Oh, nonsense," Emeline declared, "you are a handsome girl, and besides, if all a man is concerned about are your looks, then he isn't likely worth your time." That was something she truly believed, but then, she had never felt the need to marry just for the sake of it. "He should be more concerned about your character and integrity...and it doesn't hurt if he makes you smile!"
Emeline found that she was enjoying the conversation, it had been a long time since she had talked to another woman. Well, Clara was still quite young, but she had a good deal of maturity and was pleasant to chat with.
"Think of it this way. Think of the most handsome man you can imagine...then picture him as lazy, slovenly and a drunkard...Now it doesn't matter so much what he looks like, does it?" Well, it made sense to her, anyway!