"Woof, Woof!"
"Help! Help! A rabid wolf! A rabid wolf!!"
The gentile and sophisticated Miss Anæsthesia Ether Orr, dressed, as per usual, in the most exquisite of costumery and tightest of corsetry: white with gloves, bonnet, parasol and a profusion of lace billowing out here and there, was positioned exactly halfway up one of the beams that rose from the wooden boardwalks of Main Street to hold up the awnings of the store-fronts. It was quite a feat of acrobatics for one so attired, but the attack of the terrifying Beast, who was even now munching on the cream bun that she had dropped, had spurred the young lady onwards and upwards.
Old Smokey didn't really know what the fuss was about or why the one-leg (he divided humans into two camps, two legs and one legs, men and women to us) was meowing like a stoopid cat when all he had done was just trot up to her and ask her for a bite of whatever food she was eating, with an enormous "WOOF!!!"
Anyway, the bun was gone in less than a second, and Old Smokey was soon below Miss Orr's feet as she clung tenaciously to the beam in a most unladylike position. He sniffed at her dainty boots and dangling down petticoats, trying to ascertain whether she might have more cream buns secreted beneath their folds and she let out an ear-piercing scream which made the canine vagrant "WOOF!!" in reply.
"Help, somebody save me!!" cried Miss Orr, who though she loved cats, was absolutely terrified of dogs.
@[Anybody]
"Work is fine for killin' time, but it's a shaky way to make a living."
Ben was taking a walk down the main street of town when he came across the sight of Miss Anæsthesia Orr hanging on desperately to one of the beams in front of the General Store. It was odd that her predicament had not been noticed by other people but then again, Kalispell wasn't a sprawling metropolis and most days like today were quiet. The third Thursday of every month was also the day that the owner of the General Store, Daniel Wilson and his wife would also take the day off to go and visit friends outside of town. They usually left the shop assistant, Anna Albrecht to look after the place while they were gone. No doubt, she was busy with customers or she would have been out to check what was going on.
What was going on was that the town's stray was sniffing around Miss Orr's petticoats that were dangling most probably looking for something to eat. The dog would turn up at the theater sometime during the day in search of something to eat or drink...which he usually got from either Ben or one of the actors with the theater company. He knew the dog meant no harm but it was obvious that this was Anæsthesia's first encounter with the animal or she would know that too.
However, the site of the prim and proper girl hanging of the rafters of the awning was amusing and Ben suppressed the smile that was forming as he approached the scene.
"Ladies should be seen and not heard"
"Oh! Mister Simons, Mister Simons! Please help me!" the stranded young stylite yelped plaintively, before giving a little scream as Smokey's nose investigated further into the possible pantry of her petticoats. "Oh help, quickly! It is sniffing me in a most unpleasant manner!!"
By now a few faces had a appeared at the window and door of the General store and passers by had started to stop and stare at the ludicrous site. Somewhere a boy could be heard laughing "Hey look! Old smokey's treed a funny lookin' 'coon!"
To an extent, Ben, too, was now on show.
"Go ahead and rescue her, Mister Simons!" someone shouted.
"My hero!" laughed a woman's voice.
All the clamour got Smokey excited and he let out of a loud WOOF! of joy and the feel of his hot breath on her calves made Miss Orr scream again, and shimmy a couple more inches up the beam.
"Work is fine for killin' time, but it's a shaky way to make a living."
Ben acknowledged the crowd that had started to come and see what was going on by taking off his hat and doing a sweeping bow before returning his attention to Miss Orr. He looked down at the dog and smiled, "Well, Smokey it seems that the young lady doesn't like your overtures of friendship."
Turning up to face Anæsthesia Ben wondered how mortified the girl would be if she realised that the dog was the least of her worries. Considering that the lower part of her body was probably getting more exposure right now then it had seen in a month of Sundays, if ever, Ben once again had to suppress the laugh that was threatening to come up. The few times, he had met Miss Orr had left him cold and unimpressed.
However, this incident and his subsequent help would make for a good story at the regular poker games he held in one of the upper rooms at his theatre. Positioning himself to render aid more better, Ben smiled reassuringly at the young girl, "Miss Orr there's no need to be afraid. Smokey is about as tame as they come and he means no harm."
"Ladies should be seen and not heard"
Ben acknowledged the crowd that had started to come and see what was going on by taking off his hat and doing a sweeping bow before returning his attention to Miss Orr. He looked down at the dog and smiled, "Well, Smokey it seems that the young lady doesn't like your overtures of friendship."
Smokey agreed with a loud WOOF!! which made Anæsthesia give a little squeek.
"Oh please help me!" repeated the girl as her neat little white boots raked against the beam and she tried not to slip down to where the ever-curious hound's cold, wet nose might come within range of parts that hadn't ought to have cold, wet noses applied to them.
Positioning himself to render aid more better, Ben smiled reassuringly at the young girl, "Miss Orr there's no need to be afraid. Smokey is about as tame as they come and he means no harm."
"All right, if you say so Mister Simons, I shall endeavour to descend, but please do keep a hold of him..." she implored and tried to gently lower herself down the beam. However, she hadn't gone more than an inch when she heard an alarming ripping noise and felt part of her voluminous attire snagging on something. She wriggled to free herself, which got laughs form the crowd who had now gathered and a that in turn earned another loud WOOF!! from Smokey.
"OH! OH dear! I am caught fast on some beastly nail!" she whimpered and started to cry a little.
"Help her down, Simons!" "Yeah, be a gentleman!" various loafers suggested, whilst doing nothing to help themselves.
"Work is fine for killin' time, but it's a shaky way to make a living."
Ben sighed as he was hoping the girl would get down by herself. Her theatrics were worthy of any performance by the actresses in the Excelsior troupe. He was debating whether or not he should help when he remembered that Miss Orr belonged to one of the wealthiest families in town. Since her father's unfortunate (or was it fortunate?) death a few months ago, the only person he would have deal with was the girl's mother. Since there was a possible financial reward to helping Anæsthesia, Ben moved forward.
"All right Miss Orr, in order to help you down, I will need to put my arm around you to free from whatever your...er predicament. However, you will need to keep still or you'll be showing more than you have already have."
"Is there anybody there? Knock once for yes, twice for no!"
Miss Orr agreed with feigned reluctance to having handsome Mr Simons' firm grip laid upon her soft yielding body (well, it was soft and yielding under her concrete-hard corset, at least) but the planned rescue did not go as smoothly as might have been hoped for and when Mrs Orr rounded the corner, she was shocked and horrified to see her pure, unsullied, virginal young daughter sprawled on the boardwalk, tangled up with that GAMBLER Ben Simons, showing a good geal of dainty white boots, while silk stocking and frothy white petty coats and bloomers (her, not him), while an unpleasant crowd of loafers and hobbledehoys looked on laughing and a stray dog bounced around yapping with excitement.
"WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON HERE?!!" Dorothea cried in horror.
"Oh Mother! It has been horrible! The beast had his head right up my skirts and was sniffing and licking at my legs in a most unbecoming fashion!!" the flustered girl declared, trying to disentangle herself from her rescuer.
The Mother gasped in horror and raised her parasol to strike at Ben, but unfortunately (or rather fortunately, considering his innocence) she was unable to get in a good whack, what with Anæsthesia being in the way.
Instead, she had to content herself with growling "YOU MONSTER!!!" at poor, benighted Mr Simons.
"Work is fine for killin' time, but it's a shaky way to make a living."
One minute he was helping Miss Orr down and the next they were in a heap on the ground with the girl's mother about to thrash him with her parasol. It had happened quickly and even the pain from landing on his backside on the boardwalk was nothing compared to the panic he was feeling right now.
For a moment, just after they hit the ground, Ben could swear that the prim and proper Anæsthesia was enjoying being tangled up with him. Even though he could see the light side of the situation (especially the possible financial benefits), that had all gone now.
Instead, she had to content herself with growling "YOU MONSTER!!!" at poor, benighted Mr Simons.
Ben shook his head vehemently, "No...no it was the dog...I was just..."
He began the process of trying to stand up but without Anæsthesia's help, it was a lot harder. The girl seemed to be frozen and unwillling to move. All he could do now was to push her off him and hope for the best.
"Is there anybody there? Knock once for yes, twice for no!"
Ben shook his head vehemently, "No...no it was the dog...I was just..."
"What, this little lamb?!" asked Mrs Orr incredulously "Wittle Smokey-wokey?" She patted the big dog on the head and he made a sort of innocent whimpering sound before panting with satisfaction, his big tongue lolling.
He began the process of trying to stand up but without Anæsthesia's help, it was a lot harder. The girl seemed to be frozen and unwillling to move. All he could do now was to push her off him and hope for the best.
Once Ben had pushed her off of him, Anæsthesia decided that she'd had her fun and got herself up, brushing herself off as she did so.
"Smokey was trying to get at my buns, Mother, Mister Simons was only assisting me. I owe him a great deal of gratitude." she finally came clean and smiled at the man demurely.
"Oh, well that's different! How can I ever thank you, Mister Simons?" Mrs Orr gushed "You must come to tea this afternoon!"
Smokey gave a big bark of satisfaction at this outcome and set off trotting down the street: his work here was done, he would see which other fellow citizens of Kalispell he could help out today...