The training was going well, in fact Shin was quite pleased at how in good shape Tully was in. Not only that she was quick to pick up new techniques though so far he was still sticking to the basics. When he performed one particular technique, her sudden change in demeanor caught him off guard. Instinct was what saved him from getting a good punch in the face. Jumping back he went into full defense, avoiding her suddenly wild and serious attacks.
The alley was tight quarters but fortunately they had made a bit of space before starting their training so he had room to continue to avoid her attacks. Shintaro was no psychologist to understand why a simple training session turned into a real fight. All he could do was avoid being struck, letting her wear herself out till she regained control of herself.
"Enough, I'm no threat to you Tully," he called out, backing away from her latest flurry of attacks. He had a few bruises, as he wasn't able to avoid the mindless and often reckless attacks she made against him. He could have disabled her easily, her attacks were so wild but he didn't want to cause her to panic more not did he want to hurt her. "You're in no danger from me."
It took a moment for Tully to realize that Shin was backing off, and not for the purpose of waiting for an opening to attack, but that he was genuinely trying to avoid her. And then his voice cut through the chaos in her brain, and she suddenly stopped, backing away several steps.
Blinking several times, she crossed her arms over her chest, then shrugged, looking down at the ground. "I..." Well, there really wasn't anything she could say that he couldn't figure out himself, and that wouldn't prevent the panic that possessed her when she felt trapped.
"My head goes all black," she muttered, "an' then all I think is...well, nothin'." Of course, the other times this had happened to her she'd truly been in a fight for her life, and survival had been the only goal.
Once he saw Tully had control over herself he relaxed from his defensive posture. He listened as she explained what happened though she left out the details as to why. Not that he needed detailed, he could guess as to why she would go into a panic fueled frenzy. What bothered him more was it happened when she wasn't in any true danger, either she just didn't trust him enough or her past trauma was so strong it overruled her reason. In either case it wasn't good to leave this unaddressed, it would always be a danger to the both of them in any future training sessions. Not to mention an even greater danger to others if he taught her more of what he knew.
"We've done enough combat training for now," he said gently. "I think it will be more prudent if I teach you how to better control your emotions. These moments of panic when your head goes all black, not a good state of mind to be in especially in a life or death situation."
"It's what saved me an' Frances," Tully defended, "I just..." Well, the panicked fight had muted any true fear that might have made her think twice and worry about getting hurt.
Sighing, she sank onto a crate, then looked up at Shin. "Reckon it's better ta know what yer doin' than just lashin' out an' hopin' fer th' best." Then she gave him a sly smile. "I didn't hurt ya, did I?"
As he didn't know the full details of what happened when Tully saved Frances, he couldn't say if her panic attack was the real reason she was able to save her. Most likely it was the shock of having somebody go into a wild panic attack. Either way, it was never a good thing to rely on a loss of control to save the day in any dangerous situation.
"A few bruises but nothing to worry about," he responded. "It's pretty typical to be bruised after jiujitsu practice."
"As a samurai, what we call a warrior who serves a lord, fighting and risking one's life is expected. During my time with the shinsengumi there ware many times I fought criminals. Death was always a possibility and a clear head was necessary at all times to avoid making a mistake. Years of training makes it easier to keep fear at bay and focus on the fight. However, what truly made it easier for me to keep my emotions under control was meditation."
"I can teach you meditation methods which help clear the mind and bring one's focus to the moment, pushing aside distractions. With practice you will able to reach that same state of inner calm within a heartbeat and face any situation clear headed and in control of your emotions."
His voice was quiet and soothing, and Tully found herself relaxing as Shin spoke to her. And she found that his words made sense, and reached a part of her that she'd kept suppressed to protect herself.
"I want that," she murmured softly, looking up at him. "I want ta..." She shrugged, not sure how to put it to words. "Not be...afraid, lonely, maybe, thinkin' I can't trust no one..."
She was seeking a lot, seeking the reversal of a lifetime of protecting her soul by avoiding people. But maybe this meditation thing might help.
In so many villagers, an orphaned child would never be alone, often a community would raise such children together. It was different among the truly poor who had no choice but to give up a child just to ensure they had enough rice to feed the children they already had. Japan under the Shogunate wasn't perfect, but he doubted any form of government ever was. It would especially be hard for female children, which were deemed of less value to the family unit than a boy child. Many ended up in the pleasure districts, especially pretty ones.
"You're life was hard, that I can see from what you've told me thus far. In Japan, especially among the samurai families, an orphaned child would always be taken care of, either raised by the clan as a whole or adopted into another family, usually relatives but sometimes friends or neighbors." Shintaro didn't know why he said this, it wouldn't mean anything to her nor be a comfort. "But this is not Japan. Nothing can be done to change what you've gone through in the past but meditation and focus can leave it behind where it belongs, clearing your mind to stay in the present and prepare for the future."
Shintaro drew his legs up onto the crate and sat cross-legged, resting his hands on his knees. "This position is a common one for meditation, keeping your back straight but relaxed with hands on your knees as you see here."
"Now, take a deep breath through your nose, pulling from the pit of your stomach then upwards till your lungs are as full as you can get them. Hold it for a second then slowly release from your mouth. As you do this, envision all your fears, worries and unease flowing out of you along with the air of your lungs. Repeat several times till you feel your body relax." Shintaro demonstrated as he instructed, his mind quickly relaxing as he was used to doing this. Many times before battle he would take a moment to focus his mind and get rid of any anxiety or fear he may feel before battle.
The future...
That was something that Tully had never put much thought into...at least the distant future. Life had been the struggle of planning what to do in the next day, the next few hours -- where would she find a meal...when would she find a meal, where would she stay the night, how could she avoid being seen and harassed.
But now, she had a place to stay, assured meals, decent clothes, and people to look out for her. Mr. McVey and Katherine let her stay in the small storeroom at the back of the Union office and didn't press her to move into a 'real' room at a boarding house, they made sure she had food, were teaching her to read and write...
Things had changed drastically for her in the past few months, but she was so ingrained in the past that she was slow to accept that. But now, Shin had forced her hand, and maybe the meditation could help her accept what was right in front of her.
Shifting so that she was sitting cross-legged as he showed her, Tully watched Shin for a moment, then relaxed her back and shoulders and closed her eyes.
One deep breath, let out slowly, then another, and she could feel her body relaxing, feel some of the tension sliding away...
But then she did the rest...envisioning...more than the surface things she'd allowed in her thoughts, but things she'd pushed down and kept hidden even from herself.
Frustrated, she shook her head. "They ain't flowin' out," she grumbled, "just swirlin' around in my head..."
Shin gave a slight smile, hearing the frustration in her voice. He said the exact same thing when he was first taught to meditate. He had plenty of things going around his mind at the time, though he was quite young back then.
"It takes practice to empty your mind," he said, opening his eyes to look at her. He was already relaxed, alert and ready for anything while feeling calm and at peace. "If your thoughts keep distracting you, envision them being written down in paper, or the images themselves appearing on paper. Then fold that paper and set it aside, it can be looked over another time. Keep doing this till thoughts are no longer swirling around your mind."
"The important thing is to not let yourself feel frustrated or distracted, instead become aware of your body, of how the sun feels on your shoulders, the sounds of the birds in the trees, the creak of a wagon wheel, the clip clop of the horses feet as he moves the wagon along. Find that sense of peace and calm of being here in the moment. It may not happen right away, probably not even today, or the next day but with practice, it will come easier."
Tully chuckled, shaking her head. "Been told plenty'a times that my head's empty. An' now I want it that way, it ain't!" She grinned, but then paused for a moment. "Ya know, what ya said about th' sounds...yer right, I always did find comfort there, in th' birds, th' wind through th' pines, rain, frogs, never did think on it that way, but, well, it's like that kinda noise is like a friend? An' th' drawin'...I'm concentratin' on that, like, th' rest of th' world is there, but all I'm aware of is what I'm drawin'."
She wasn't sure that that made sense to Shin, but he didn't seem the sort that would mock her. Her grin returned. "Seems like I was already doin' some'a that, just didn't know. 'Course, now I don't hafta worry 'bout no one chasin' me off or doin' me harm."